In Britain there are a lot of two-line jokes that start with an angry customer saying, 'Waiter, waiter, there is a fly in my soup!' The second line is the waiter's reply, and goes something like, 'Please keep your voice down, sir, or all the customers will want one.' Not the funniest joke in the world, I admit. To be honest, none of the jokes are that funny. Then again, you will not find many funny waiters either, especially in England. Either they are incredibly rude or irritatingly friendly.
The rude waiter is most commonly found in London. In a big city many of the customers using a pub or restaurant are tourists who will only come once. Because they are unlikely to come back again, many waiters think there is no reason to be polite. I once asked a barman in a London pub whether he could serve me my favourite brand of beer. His reply was clear and to the point: 'We don't serve shit beer here.'
The friendly waiter is also most commonly found in London. Many waiters in London are out-of-work actors who seem to feel they have to entertain you when they take your order: 'Hello! My name is Nigel and I'm your waiter for this evening! I'm here to help you enjoy your meal, and to see to your every need. Would you care for a drink before you order? We have beer, wine . . .'
The friendly waiter will tell you about every item on the menu, give you details of the chef's specialities and how they are prepared, and will even tell you his own recommendations. He will talk nonstop until you order. When you think you have finally got rid of him, he will come flying back like a boomerang just to check that everything is okay and to tell you to let him know if you want anything.
Why is the friendly waiter so friendly? The answer is simple: he wants a tip. A big tip. The bigger, the better. Why is the friendly waiter so irritating? Because he thinks that the more he talks, the bigger his tip should be. The best way I know to deal with this kind of friendly waiter is to do the following: when he arrives at your table and says, 'Hello! My name is Nigel and I'm your waiter for this evening!', you stand up and say to him. 'Hello! My name is George and I'm your customer for this evening! I'll give you a big tip on one condition: you shut up!'